Monday, 9-Jun-2003
Spurious
thoughts and idle musings from the sports week just past ...
Sigh,
another Triple Tease as Funny Cide lost his sense of humor and his ticket to
the pony pantheon in the Belmont muck on Saturday. Maybe it was the rain, maybe it was the blistering workout he ran
earlier in the week or maybe Empire Maker just had a crappy Derby five weeks
ago and really was the better horse all along.
The only thing that's absolutely certain is the 11 thoroughbreds who
have won the Trip are truly immortal as if there was any doubt ... Especially
Secretariat. They'll still be talking
about his 1973 Belmont long after we've all shuffled off this mortal coil.
Do they
teach bad headline writing in sports journalism school ??? I mean, as soon as the news broke that Sammy
"O Sammy" Sosa had been caught cork-handed last Tuesday, you could
set a stopwatch waiting for the first "Say It Ain't So-Sa" groaner to
pop up. Even George Will, who should
know better, gave in to the temptation.
First off, given the romanticized and semi-lyrical sports writing of the
early 20th century, it's highly doubtful that some little Chicago schoolboy
ever said "Say it ain't so, Joe" to the Shoeless One. And b), how about something a little more
original like "Cork Screwed".
Anything but "Say It Ain't So-Sa".
How much
do you wanna bet Rick Neuheisel stays out of all NCAA betting pools next March
???
Ask and
thou shalt receive ... We needed a few more pucks in the net and we got
'em. Debbils with a 6-3 win in Game 5
and Da Ducks with a 5-2 series knotter in Game 6. Once more with feeling in The Arena Formerly Known As Brendan
Byrne and we'll have a new Cup champ.
Melanie Brodeur's future ex-hubbie against Jean-Sebastien Giggy. Scott Stevens' shoulder against Paul
Kariya's face. Niedermayer against
Niedermayer. Champagne on ice. Watch out for flying corks.
Okay, so
let's dig a little deeper into Senor Sosa's interest in woodworking, shall we
??? First and foremost, no major league
hitter ever ... repeat ... ever steps up to the plate with the wrong bat purely
by accident. Hell, ballplayers are more
obsessed with their wood than they are with their wood, if you get my
drift. Secondly, even if the corked bat
was for batting practice only, which is laughable all by itself, Sammy shoulda
had it safely stashed in his clubhouse locker and nowhere near the live bat
rack come first pitch. Sorry, Sammy,
you broke it, you bought it.
And what
about The Lords Of Baseball themselves ???
I'm sorry, I know this sounds awfully cynical but did you really think
they'd find any more cork in Sammy's collection of 76 bats ??? Hell, they coulda x-rayed 76 bats a day for
76 days and every single one woulda come up as clean as the Pope's My Documents
folder. I mean, think about it ... It's
not in baseball's best interest to find anything else wrong with one of their
superduperstars. Aside from gambling,
it never has been and never will be.
Same goes for Cooperstown. It's
Damage Control 101, folks. Other than
the pitcher, nobody was happy that bat gave up the ghost.
Dear Miss
Williams, We regret to inform you that your march to greatness has been
temporarily suspended. Please return
all hopes and dreams of a Grand Slam for this year in an unmarked plain manila
envelope. We look forward to seeing you
try again next year. Sincerely, Women's
Tennis. P.S. Next time ignore that hostile French crowd. They had nothing better to do than cheer for
a Belgian.
Still
more absurdity from TLOB ... It's bad enough that the upcoming All-Star Game
will now decide which league gets home-field advantage come October. I mean, as if whatever jebeep the Tigers
send to Comiskey is gonna bust his ass to help the Yankees get four games in
the Bronx. No, now Bud's Bozos are
talking about making the players wear generic AL and NL uniforms with just
their caps identifying individual teams.
Yeah, that's just what we need ... Another standard issue Pro Bowl. Click.
Spurs are
up 2-1 on the Nets. Jason Kidd is
either horrible or brilliant. Tim
Duncan is either so-so or brilliant.
Dikembe Mutombo has emerged from Dr Frankenstein's laboratory alive once
again. Tony Parker is proving he's the
best 21-year-old French point guard on the planet which may or may not impress
the rest of France. And we still have
up to 5 more games that 40% fewer of us are watching. Sacre bleu.
Is there
any sporting event as poorly seeded as the French Open's men's draw ??? Every year it's the same story. They arrange the bracket according to
whatever combination of computer rankings, tea leaves and tarot cards they can
find and then watch in Le Horror as all the no-name clay court specialists
bounce the elite names outta town.
Happens every year. This year
it's Juan Carlos Ferrero left standing with Le Trophee. Next time around it'll be Carlos Ferrero
Juan or Ferrero Juan Carlos, n'est-ce pas ???
One last
Sammy thought ... He took cork up to bat against the Tampa Bay Devil Rays. The Tampa Bay Devil Rays. Man, that musta been some slump, Sam.
Here's
one from our "Don't Know Whether To Laugh Or Cry" bureau ... My
beloved Phillies announced they're gonna sell the actual seats from The Vet
before it goes boom fall down after this season. For the low low price of just $280 per pair, you'll even get a
certificate of authenticity with your seats.
No word on whether you also get an authentic Veterans Stadium supply kit
consisting of an empty bottle of rancid whiskey, a moldy Cheez Whiz jar, half a
bag of crushed peanut shells and a fistful of AA batteries.
Rest in
peace, "Classy" Freddie Blassie.
He won't believe you but tell Andre The Giant we're still watching
"The Princess Bride".
See ya
nexted week ...
Robert E Hunt Jr
Copyright ã 2003 by Robert E Hunt Jr. All rights reserved.