Monday, 3-Mar-2003
Spurious
thoughts and idle musings from the sports week just past ...
Anybody
get the name of the truck who rolled over the rest of the field at the
Accenture "Not The Arthur Andersen" Match Play Champeenship ??? I'm pretty sure he was wearing his customary
Sunday afternoon "Abandon Hope All Ye Enter Here" red polo
shirt. Yes, indeed that was
"Woods, Tiger" with a 2-and-1 win over David Toms for some more
hardware and yet another $1,050,000 payday.
You know, I kinda like match play golf.
It's got that desperate NCAA Tournament one-and-done vibe to it. As if golf isn't desperate enough as it
is. Especially with Him on a roll.
How to
ruin a 24K gold-plated legacy in five easy-to-follow directions ... 1. Fire Tom
Landry. 2. Fire Jimmy Johnson. 3. Hire Barry Switzer. 4. Cut Troy Aikman. 5. Cut Emmitt Smith. Mix all ingredients well, stir, bake at 350
in a pre-heated oven for 3 hours.
Serves one.
One of
the biggest sports stories back in late summer 1983 was undoubtedly Australia
II's stunning winged keel upset over Dennis Connor's US boat in the America's
Cup. And everyone back then insisted
that the epic Aussie win was the best thing that could've ever happened to top
shelf yachting. It was gonna open up
the sport to all comers with a new and glorious age sure to arrive. Yep, it sure did. And after crushing defending champ New Zealand ... Switzerland,
that gentle land of chocolates, watches, pocket knives and holes in their
cheese, now owns the world's oldest sporting trophy. The same Switzerland with Julie Andrews climbing every mountain,
fording every stream and gazing out upon exactly zero miles of ocean
coastline. Hard to believe, Harry.
Pitchers
and catchers reported weeks ago.
Exhibition games are in full swing, fantasy leagues are ramping up,
Latin players are still having visa problems and the usual pundits are making
their usual predictions but nothing signals the true arrival of spring training
quite like the release of yet another Yankee player's tell-all book. This time it's David Wells, co-author of
"Perfect I'm Not! Boomer on Beer,
Brawls, Backaches and Baseball", who claims he was half drunk when he
tossed a perfect game against the Twinks in 1998. No truth to the rumor that Derek Jeter sent a copy up to Big
Stein's office with all of Wells' late night party stories dog-eared and
highlighted.
And so
the Knickerbockers retired Patrick Ewing's No. 33 jersey at an emotional MSG on
Friday night. Yep, hung it right up
there next to the two Knick championship banners that Patrick did not help them
win. Move over Ted Williams, Ernie
Banks, Dan Marino, Elgin Baylor and Jim Kelly ... You've got company.
Speaking
of Emmitt Smith, he made his post-Poke wishes quite clear at his farewell press
gig last week, didn't he ??? Emmitt
said ... and let me make sure I get this right now ... He wants to go to a good
team with a chance to win the Supe and ... get this ... he wants to play. Yep, he wants lots and lots of carries for
lots and lots of yards for a contender.
Can you believe that ??? Good
thing "I Am" cleared that up.
You never know when someone would rather ride the bench for a really
crappy team instead. Thanks, Emm.
Augusta
National Golf Club, how may I help you ???
You'd like to speak to Hootie Johnson ??? Mr Johnson is very busy at the moment. May I ask what is this in reference to ??? You say you support the club's all-male
membership policy and want to protest in favor of it ??? Well, we don't get very many of those. Why don't you give me your name and I'll put
you right through, sir. Thank you, hold
please for Mr. Johnson ... Mr Johnson, pick up on line 1, please. There's a Mr Klan who would like to speak
with you ...
Seriously,
can it get any worse for Hootie and the Blowhards ??? Man, talk about your chickens coming home to roost. That had to be the absolute last thing
Augusta needed in its battle to keep Oprah Nation from storming the gates. I mean, if having the Imperial Wizard of the
American Knights of the Ku Klux Klan on your side in an argument isn't the kiss
of death, I dunno what is. Next thing
you know Jerry Jones will show up offering to help tell Arnold Palmer it's time
to hang 'em up.
I was
wondering ... Do you think Tar Hole coach Matt Doherty ever resents the fact
that Dean Smith still hangs around the office a coupla days a week ??? Think about it ... I'll betcha poor Matt
can't even get in a few games of Solitaire on his PC without worrying about
Snuffy wandering the halls. Oh, hey,
Coach. Yeah, um, I was just going over
some, you know, clips of Wake's triangle-and-two defense. Lunch ???
Um, yeah, sure, why not ??? See
you in the cafeteria. Bye ... Okay, red
seven on the black eight. Black queen
on the red king. Yeah, baby, I'm
finally gonna win one. Man, that is so
cool when those cards bounce.
I need
some help here ... How come people go completely insane when an athlete dares
to express a political opinion ??? I
mean, you'd think a flag protest by Toni Smith, an unknown chick hoops player
from equally unknown Manhattanville College, wouldn't even make the news in
Manhattanville let alone Manhattan.
Meanwhile, Sean Penn jets over to Baghdad to check things out for
himself and nobody utters peep one. Look,
don't get me wrong, I love Sean Penn's work but Jeff Spicoli is the last dude
who should be over there poking around.
Same as
it does every year, the mad rush better known as NFL Free Agency went off like
the bulls at Pamplonas first thing Friday morning. And with nine new players signed already, I think it's safe to
say the Dead$kins were just a tad unhappy with their old roster. But the real stunner was ex-Ramjet
cornerback Dre Bly signing with Detwah for $24.5 million for five years. This happens every year at one position or
another ... Logic be damned, somebody absolutely positively must have The New
Guy at the hot position ... Which is exactly how a 5-9, 190 lb pipsqueak like
Bly gets a huge new bankroll. Have fun
watching the playoffs on the tube next year, Dre.
Rest in
peace, Fred Rogers. Heaven is a much
nicer neighborhood now.
See ya
nexted week ...
Robert E Hunt Jr
Copyright ã 2003 by Robert E Hunt Jr. All rights reserved.