Monday, 25-Nov-2002
Spurious
thoughts and idle musings from the sports week just past ...
Top Five
Signs Your Football Team Is Completely And Utterly Hopeless. No. 5 ... Your starting right tackle skips
his wife-beating court date, gets released and signs with another team the very
next day. No. 4 ... Your hot shot
rookie DE is facing four games off for taking a stinking diet pill. No. 3 ... Your Pro Bowl kick returner
layeths the smacketh down on a practice squad jebeep in film study, gets
suspended and then arrested for assault.
No. 2 ... You just got skunked by the Vicks for the second time this
season making your record since last year a truly horrific 4-23. And the No. 1 Sign Your Football Team Is
Completely And Utterly Hopeless ... Your punter is openly bickering with the
entire Gramatica kicking family. Sigh,
just shoot me.
Nobody,
and I mean nobody celebrates semi-worthless November college basketball wins
quite like the Evil Empire. Following
last week's trio of tune-up wins over those noted hoops powers Penn State,
Rutgers and Old Dominion, Tar Heel Nation is positively giddy. Likewise, the national media is in full
swoon too. Enjoy it while lasts, Baby
Blues, because your frisky freshmen haven't even sniffed the inside of a
hostile ACC gym yet. Whadda you say we
wait and see what your bandwagon looks like come mid-January.
Allen
Iverson raised a few cornrows last week when he admitted he fears Philly cops
following his little run-in this past summer.
First off, AI, join the club ... Everybody fears Philadelphia cops. Just ask Louis Winthorp or Billy Ray
Valentine. Secondly, I got just the
answer for The Answer. Wait a coupla
years until Charlotte's new NBA team is in place and then demand a trade. Believe me, the cops down here won't bother
you a bit, Allen. They're too busy
arresting Panthers.
Dear
Mother and Father ... I am adjusting to life here in the United States quite
well and I am getting along with all my teammates on the Houston Rockets. But a very strange thing happened the other
night ... I saw a very large, funny, bald black gentleman named Charles Barkley
kiss a donkey's rear end on television.
And they told me it was because he lost a bet after I scored 20 points
against the Lakers the night before.
I'm not sure I understand everything that goes on over here. Your loving son, Yao Ming.
NFL Week
12 is in the books ... Chucky's Sapps sent the Pack home with a little whine
for their cheese while the Jints left no doubt that Houston Problems coach Dom
Capers knows how to scheme against Kerry Collins, his former bonus baby. Also, the Ramjets welcomed Kurt "Thanks
A Lot, Jesus" Warner back to the fold with a timely honk to Steve
"Stop Me Before I Pass Again" Spurrier's Dead$kins, the J-E-T-S juked
the Bills right outta their j-o-c-k-s and those lovable Zona Cards are back to
playing road games at home.
But
nothing we saw on Sunday can possibly compare to The Single Dumbest Coaching
Move In The History Of The Known Universe And Beyond ... And that was watching
in disbelief as Lions coach Marty "Dead Man Walking" Mornhinweg won
the sudden death overtime coin flip and then gave Da Bears da ball so he could
have da wind at his D's back. Hello,
wind. Goodbye, game. Forget leaving Buckner in at first
base. Forget yanking Vladislav Tretiak
after the first period in Lake Placid.
Forget sticking around. Better
start packing, Marty.
Once
again, we had college pig's annual Rivalry Week ... Also known as The Week Of
Playing For Stupid Trophies as all kinds of historic buckets, bells, fruits and
farm tools swapped hands. The Poisonous
Nuts dipped their tortilla chips in Wolverine stew to lock up half of the
mythical posedown against Miami in all likelihood ... While in other grudge
matches SoCal slammed UCLA, UDub ended Wizzou's spotlight dreams, Auburn
iron-eagled The Cheating Tide and Climpson cold-cocked The Other USC. And Harvard beat Yale. Mustn't forget that one, Muffy darling.
Virginia
48, Maryland 13 ... Thanks for playing, Twerps, and we have some lovely parting
gifts for you.
What else
is going on Association-wise ??? My
Mavs are still cruising along unbeaten while The Big Toe is back just in time
to staunch the bleeding in Hell Ay.
Also, Fail Blazer teammates Rasheed Wallace and Damon Stoudamire's
post-game drive home to Portland from Seattle ended in a weed bust and Vince
Carter's knee was pronounced healed on the dance floor at a Nelly concert while
his Raptor pals were losing a road game.
And let's not forget Be Like's mounting legal problems as a former
goomar splashed the pot with her own paternity countersuit. Let's see ... Sheed, Vince and MJ. Now where'd they go to school again ???
It was
twenty years ago today. When Stanford's
band ran onto The Play. While the
replay's never going out of style. And
it's guaranteed to raise a smile. So
let me introduce to you. The Play
you've known for all these years. Cal
Bears win one through the Stanford band ... Okay, that was lame. But still, it was fun this week to see The
Play's 57 yards worth of five laterals and one smooshed trombone again after
all these years. But to me, the most
amazing thing about The Play is that it actually happened to someone else ...
Because,
believe me, I've checked into every single room in Heartbreak Hotel ...
Last-second figgie doinks, buzzer-beating jumpers, belt-high fastballs to Joe
Carter, 55-foot season-ending slapshots with 0:00 seconds left. You name it, I've had to suck on it. Including The Upset ... That's right,
speaking of 20-year anniversaries, it's been one score since tiny little Chaminade
put the wood to my top-ranked Ralph Sampson Cavaliers during a meaningless
vacation swing through Hawaii. And I'll
give you one guess where Virginia is and who they're playing tonight. For the first time in ... gulp ... 20
years. Somebody wake me when it's over,
please.
See ya
nexted week ...
Robert E Hunt Jr
Copyright ã 2002 by Robert E Hunt Jr. All rights reserved.