Monday, 4-Nov-2002
Spurious
thoughts and idle musings from the sports week just past ...
Raise
your hand if you knew who Esera Tuaolo was before he told Bryant Gumbel his big
secret last week. Actually, I did cause
he finished his nondescript nine-year NFL career here in Charlotte with the
Panthers three years ago. But I didn't
remember him because of his play that year and, like everyone else, I had no
clue about his sexual preferences either.
No, what I recall about Esera Tuaolo is that he was the first and only
pro football player I've ever seen or heard sing the Star-Spangled Banner in
full pads before a home game. And I
remember thinking two things ... This dude has some serious pipes and he must
have coconut-sized cojones to sing in front of 70,000 people.
Look, I'm
happy for him that he's at peace with coming out. Nobody should have to live a lie that intense for that long. If this was Tuaolo's only way to stop the
anxiety attacks and the nightmares and the booze binges and the suicidal
impulses, then so be it. Good for
him. But I also understand where
Sterling Sharpe is coming from. Name me
another profession where fifty guys shower together and share rooms on the
road. And that's why no active jock has
ever come out and isn't likely to any time soon. In a perfect world, it wouldn't matter but not in this
league. It's hard enough to win with
good "chemistry" ... It's next to impossible without it. Good luck, Esera.
Dear Mo
Vaughn, Hope you enjoyed playing for the Mets this past season. We sure did. Love, the Angels.
NFL Week
9 piglets ... Nice revenge game, Drew Bledsoe.
Maybe Bill Belichick knew what he was doing after all. Nice guarantee, Dick LeBeau. Maybe your Bungles have a pulse after
all. Nice Bay Area reunion, Jerry
Rice. Maybe the Niners really did have
salary cap problems after all. Nice D,
Iggles. Maybe next year The Vet will
implode with a smile after all. Nice
win streak, Steelers. Maybe Dan Reeves
was right about Tommy Maddox after all.
Good God, can that be true ???
And so
Cris Carter signed with the Fish and is back in the Enn Eff Ell. But he's also gonna try and keep his gig
with HBO's "Inside The NFL" and play at the same time. But to do so, HBO now won't let Carter make
any on-air predictions about any of the upcoming games. At first, I thought ... So what, this isn't
a gambling show. Who cares who Carter
thinks is gonna win ??? Then I realized
that by default he's picking the losers too.
And then three days later running skinny posts right in the crosshairs
of cranky Cover 2 zones. Not good.
Well,
here we are ... For the very first time in my life, now that Charlotte is sans
Hornets, I actually live in a town without an NBA home team and with a brand
new season upon us, I need a new one to pull for. Naturally, given the importance of such a solemn and momentous
decision, it's altogether fitting and proper that we meticulously analyze and
thoroughly research all the various factors in search of a perfect fit. So with that, here we go ...
First
off, for obvious reasons, the New Orleans Hornets are out. So long, farewell, aufwiedersehen,
goodbye. Same goes for the Sixers. Been there, done that, got the T-shirt. Besides, Larry Brown still coaches Philly
and he's got Evil Empire blood ... Which also snuffs out anybody else invited
back to Chapel Hill for alumni reunions ... Fail Blazers (Sheed, Jeff McInnis),
StarBucks (George Karl), Wizards (Be Like, Stack, Brenda), Lakers (Brick Fox),
Holy Green Sweat Socks (Shammond Williams), Raptors (Vince, Montross), Suns
(Scott Williams), Warriors (Twan), Pistons (Hubert Davis) and Sonics (Joe
Forte) ... As if.
Next up,
I'm getting too old for any more <cough> rebuilding efforts so anybody
with a high Sip Index is outta here ... So the Cavs, Nuggets, Heat, Knicks,
Bulls, Grizzlies and Hawks are puff daddy.
Same goes for those who've been to the NBA Finals of late and honked ...
Adios Nets, Pacers and Jazz. Which
leaves us with Orlando, the Paper Clips, Dallas Cubans, Rudy T's Rockets,
T-Pups, San Antone and the SacroKings.
Hmm, let's see ... A few too many Texas teams so that kills the Rockets
and Spurs. Minnesota is too damn cold
and the Clips are tempting but three time zones away. Ditto Sacramento but they're too trendy a pick anyway ...
Besides, they're not beating Shaq this time around either. Not no way, not no how.
So now
we're down to two ... Magic or Mavs.
Both teams have some way fun players ... TMac, Dirk Diggler, Michael
Finley, Mike Miller, Grant Hill, Steve Nash and so on. Both are quick and athletic with some serious
hops. Both are young and hungry with
something to prove. Both have quirky
coaches, warm weather and hot cheerbabes.
But Orlando is owned by a senile Amway tycoon and Dallas by a young,
feisty dot-com gazillionaire who plays whiffle ball in his living room. All in all, a no-brainer ... Here we go,
Mavericks, here we go.
Speaking
of Dan Reeves, wouldn't you love to hear what he has to say to Michael Vick on
the sidelines ??? I mean, they're just
like Al Pacino and Jamie Foxx in Oliver Stone's "Any Given Sunday",
aren't they ??? Doesn't it look like
Reeves is asking him about his jambalaya recipe while Vick just wants to watch
himself on the Jumbotron ??? Man, too
bad the Falcs didn't keep Chris Chandelier around for another year to complete
the picture as the creaky old Dennis Quaid veteran QB.
In an
effort to deal with "air rage", attendants on British Airways flights
now hand out soccer-style yellow cards to warn abusive passengers about their
disruptive behavior. And if that
doesn't work, let's hope the unruly chaps will get to enjoy some "stoppage
time" in jail once the flight lands.
Looks
like they picked a bad week to quit winning ballgames ... Pack, Dawgs, Hokes
and Rudys all went down in a massive Top 10 honkfest. So much for the special green jersey mystique in South Bend as
Boston College silenced the Irish echoes.
Likewise, NC State went down hard to the Yellow Pests, Hokie High
coughed at home to Pitt and UGA got outcocktailed by the Gators. Speaking of which, who decided that the
annual Georgia-Florida game is the quote unquote "world's largest outdoor
cocktail party" ??? Last time I
checked, it takes about a week to scrub down après Mardi Gras.
How come
Air Force likes to run the ball so much ???
Shouldn't they pass more often ???
Why don't the Twins play more double headers ??? Why do NHL teams always change their nicknames
when they move but NBA teams never do ???
What exactly is a "great piece of hitting" ??? And how come it's always great ??? Doesn't anyone ever have an "awful
piece of hitting" ??? Do you think
Yao Ming wonders why each city in North America has a Chinatown ??? Sigh ... So many questions, so few answers.
See ya
nexted week ...
Robert E Hunt Jr
Copyright ã 2002 by Robert E Hunt Jr. All rights reserved.