Monday, 22-Jul-2002
Spurious
thoughts and idle musings from the sports week just past ...
Well,
after El Tigre's epic third round washout at the British Open, the only Grand
Slam he's gonna enjoy the rest of this year will cost him $5.99 at
Denny's. If they'll even seat him, that
is. Yep, Tigger shot a staggering 81 on
Saturday, his worst ever pro round, and left the door wide open for Ernie
"Someone" Els to take home the hardware. Of course, Ernie needed to win a four hole, four man playoff and
an extra sudden death hole over yet another brain dead Frenchman before he
could kick up his soggy heels. Hey,
there ain't no style points in golf.
He'll take it.
And what
is with the French ??? By now, it must
be zee law that zee golfer must pull out zee beeg driver on zee last hole of
Zee Breetish Opan so zat he can choke zee one shot lead. Yo, French guys, it's called an
"iron" and it's in your golf bag.
Just tell zee caddee to look for eet and use eet next time, n'est-ce pas
??? And quit yelling "Do-pay,
do-pay" at Lance Armstrong. First
of all, he can't hear you cause he's busy keeking your biceekle asses. Look, the man's taken more drug tests than
all the Bush cousins put together. Lay
off heem or we'll send Martha Stewart over there to show you how to bathe and
make a proper crème brulee, okay ???
There's
an old joke I heard down in Hotlanta years ago ... A bank installs this new
talking ATM. So the first guy inserts
his card and the machine says to him "What do you do and what is your
IQ?" And the guy says "I'm a
scientist and my IQ is 130." So
the ATM plays the Georgia Tech fight song and talks to him about the Yellow
Jackets. Next guy walks up. Same question. And he says "I'm a professor and my IQ is 150." And so the machine talks to him about Emory
and Henry. Third guy walks up and
slides in his card. "What do you
do and what is your IQ?" And the
guy says "I'm unemployed and my IQ is 65." And so the ATM yells out "How Bout Them Dawgs?" ...
And if
incoming freshman Wayne Arnold still hasn't earned his high school diploma by
the time classes start at the University of Georgia on August 19th, then
Bulldogs hoops coach Jim Harrick's entire recruiting class, all four of 'em,
will be academically ineligible to play ball this season. The. Entire. Class. Well, How Bout Them Dawgs ???
This
week's baseball highlights ... Bud Light's office sued the umpires union, the
Expos' former limited partners filed a RICO lawsuit accusing Bud of
racketeering plus mail and wire fraud, the umps filed a grievance of their own,
the arbitrator postponed his contraction decision, Graeme Lloyd wants his trade
to the Marlins nulled and voided, players out on the West Coast voted to
authorize a strike, Fred Wilpon and Nelson Doubleday are still arguing over how
much their Mets are co-worth and Injun owner Larry Dolan blamed Phineas T for
the whole kit and kaboodle of baseball's current coin crisis. All things considered, Mrs Lincoln, how was
the play ???
But wait,
there's more ... Torii Hunter got three days off for throwing a perfect
stee-rike right back at Danys Baez, the pitcher who plunked him, Frank Robinson
almost quit his Spos gig but his players asked him to stick around until they
could all get axed together, Chuck Finley packed his bags and Pay Rod finally
popped off about life in last place.
Meanwhile, the Williams family is still steamed up over Ice Ice Teddy's
final resting place to be named later and the Stros' Daryle Ward cranked the
very first jack that splashed in the Ohio, Monongahela and Allegheny Rivers all
at once. Yep, just another week.
Nice of
ESPN.com to publish a Wednesday piece on the top 20 golfers most likely to win
the British Open. Next up is their bold
prediction that one of the 32 NFL teams will win the Super Bowl.
Pet Peeve
Of The Week ... If pro teams are gonna wear throwback threads, then they should
wear them exactly as the old boys wore them.
Case in point ... The Tomaflops swept my Phillies this weekend wearing
those 1974 blue-and-white Biff Pocoroba doubleknits. Likewise, the Phils wore their old 1980 maroon pinstripes. Which is cool except they were tailored in
today's style with the long pant legs hanging way down over the shoe tops. Uh-uh, if you're gonna wear 70's stuff, then
we need to see those big high cut stirrups over the blinding white sanitary
socks. Same thing in The Association
... The Lakers can't wear those old Minneapolis duds if the shorts are taller
than Mini-Me. Gotta keep it real.
Hold the
phones, we have a winner ... This week's Dummy Of The Week award goes to Steelers
offensive lineman Marvel Smith who was arrested last week by Tempe, AZ blue for
smoking The Weed in his Mission Palms Hotel room. And how did Tempe's finest catch Not-So-Marvel in the unlawful
act of bud blazeup ??? Cause Marvel
opened the window. The window right
next door to the downtown Tempe police station. Crazy, man.
Clearly,
"Hoosiers" is in The Pantheon of All-Time Great Sports Movies. Hell, it might even be the greatest of them
all. But in the champeenship game
against South Bend Central, after Coach Dale called a quick timeout to calm his
jittery five down, the Huskers roared back to life tossing in dozens of
slow-motion buckets assisted nicely by the soundtrack's stirring horn
section. I mean, Jimmy Chitwood musta
sank 20 nothing-but-net trumpet bombs all by himself. Yet when it came down to crunch time, the score was only 40 to 34
bad guys. And that's always bugged
me. That score shoulda been more like
60-54 or something. Yeah, I know it's a
little thing but imagine if Michelangelo had painted six fingers on God's hand
in the Sistine Chapel. The classics
must be airtight.
And now
joining Allen "There's No "I" In "AI" Iverson on the
NBA's All-Offseason Mug Shot First Team, say hello to Glenn "$5,000
Bail" Robinson, yet another former No. 1 draft pick who got all whack
daddy on his old lady last week too.
Alright, so now we got ourselves a power forward and a shooting
guard. Um, maybe we should rename that
last position.
Congratulations
to the Phillie Phanatic for making the Hall of Fame. Actually, it's just his costume going on display at Cooperstown's
museum. But with the Phils sucking pond
water again this season, at least it's something to feel good about. It's not like the Mets have a mascot, you
know.
See ya
nexted week ...
Robert E Hunt Jr
Copyright ã 2002 by Robert E Hunt Jr. All rights reserved.