Monday, 15-Jul-2002
Spurious
thoughts and idle musings from the sports week just past ...
Good
evening and welcome to Game 7 of the 2086 World Series between the Zimbabwe
Mets and the Boston Red Sox. I'm
Jacques Buck and along with me as always is Tom McCarver. Tom, your thoughts on tonight's game ...
Thanks, Jacques and hello everyone, welcome to historic Fenway Park where the
big question on everyone's mind is ... Will the Curse of the Bambino end
tonight ??? Can Ted Williams, who was
thawed out and cloned 20 years ago this month, finally bring a championship
ring home to Boston ??? We'll find out
soon. Stay tuned as President Walt
Disney himself throws out the Opening Pitch right after this important message
from The Tiger Woods Global Empire Products Corporation.
Stop the
presses ... Allen Iverson's in trouble again.
Assault, making threats, carrying a gun without a license, not passing
out of a double-team with the Sixers down by a bucket late in the game, you
name it. But wait, there's more ...
Apparently this whole thing started when AI tossed his wife, Tawanna, stark
naked outta their mansion after an argument.
Let's go slow here. He threw his
wife out of the house wearing her birthday suit. Allen, we need to talk cause where I come from anytime Wife is
Without it's a whole lot more fun if you can keep her inside your crib, dude.
Beautiful,
just beautiful ... A tied All-Star Game.
By now the commentariat is all pooped out over the Big Meaning of it
all. Yes, it happened in Bud's Big
Backyard. No, it doesn't really mean
the end of civilization as we know it.
Yes, Joe Torre and Bob Brenly managed like it was a Little League
game. No, it's not symbolic of
baseball's nasty labor spats. Yes,
pitchers are wimp-slaves to pitch counts which is really all Tony LaRussa's
fault. No, the game doesn't really need
drastic changes. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Is the
Tour de Lance over yet ??? Geez, it
took the Wehrmacht less time than this to see all of France. C'mon, pedal, pedal, pedal.
Domestic
assault and battery, strip club arrests, weed, coke, Jack Daniels, trashed
hotel rooms, cranberry juice and vodka ... And all that behind the wheel of an
Indy race car at 220 mph. That's Al
Unser Jr's sad world and welcome to it.
Little Al got some ink last week after he and his squeeze fought in his
car on their way home late from the Classy Chassis, an Indianapolis
bump-and-grind. Hmm, a race car driver
out late at night drinking and driving home on the Interstate. I'll betcha he had the lanes all to himself.
John
Elway's new Arena Football League team got sacked for a PR loss last week after
word leaked that the team name "Colorado Crush" had already been
trademarked and its Web domain registered several months before fans
coincidentally ... cough cough ... picked that very same name in a
name-the-team contest. So John already
had the name picked out. Big deal. Soon enough he'll figure out that Denver football
fans already bought their football tickets several months ago too.
Well, one
thing I learned while watching the All-Star Game ... Vin Diesel is starring in
a new movie due out next month called "XXX". And somehow Sony painted three X's on a
blimp, launched it over Milwaukee and paid FOX to have play-by-player Joe Buck
give a shout out up to the "Triple XXX Cam high above". And no one even giggled. Then again, how could they seeing as how Tim
McCarver was too busy explaining the 473 different variations of the
hit-and-run. For the 473rd time.
If and
when the MLBPA goes on strike sometime later this season, shouldn't it be
called a "play stoppage" ???
The ump doesn't yell out "Work ball!" at the start of each
game, does he ???
More
All-Star Game fallout ... As much as I enjoyed watching him squirm, I don't
blame Bud Light for pulling the plug on the tied game. Torre and Brenly blew it and then dumped
their load in Bud's lap. But Hair Bud
gagged big time the next day when he used his out loud voice to tell us that
two teams ... unnamed, of course ... might hafta bag their payrolls this coming
week in part because baseball's credit lines are all tapped out. Which naturally begs the question ... If you
insist on badmouthing your own bizness at every turn, is it any wonder you
can't get a loan ??? Hello, Mr Banker,
I'm an unemployed crack addict and I live in a van down by the river. How big a mortgage can I get ???
The ESPYS
in July ??? Well, okay, if you insist
but it was pretty much been there, done that.
Samuel L Jackson was his usual stellar self. Shaky jockettes wearing rare high heels wobbled on cue. B-list stars ... Hi, Keifer ... fell all
over themselves trying to get some precious candlepower. And of course you knew that whoever was
sitting in the audience was gonna win whatever award was being presented. And since the show was in Hell Ay, the Team
of the Year hadda be the Lakers. Yawn.
Does a
bear squat in the woods ??? Or maybe
that should be ... Does a Packer leave a deposit in the closet ??? Apparently so as FB Najeh Davenport, Green
Bay's 4th round draft pick, was arrested last week in SoFlo for allegedly
dropping a bomb in a Barry University coed's laundry basket in her closet back
on April Fool's Day at six o'clock in the morning. That's 6:00 am, folks. In
some poor girl's dorm room closet. I
think I'm losing my mind.
If the
reports are true that John Henry Williams did indeed turn his pop into a
Popsicle hoping that medical science will some day discover the key to
immortality, then why did he spend so much time making Teddy Ballgame sign so
much sports memorabilia these last several years ??? If Ted's really coming back, then his future autograph will be
the one you'll really want. Um, right
???
See ya
nexted week ...
Robert E Hunt Jr
Copyright ã 2002 by Robert E Hunt Jr. All rights reserved.