Monday, 13-May-2002
Spurious
thoughts and idle musings from the sports week just past ...
No, I did
not buy the June Penthouse. Which
proved to be a good decision since that wasn't My Favorite Russian sunbathing
in half a bikini like they promised.
Turns out they were topless pics of fashion heiress Judith
Soltesz-Benetton taken seven years ago when Anna The K was just 13 years
old. Oops. So now Anna has filed a lawsuit seeking $10,000,000 in damages
for her troubles. Which means, hey, she
might actually have a chance at winning something this time.
"Tyson's
PR Firm Quits After Boxer's Latest Tirade" ... Boy, you know you're a
twice-baked potato when your own public relations people deep six you. Hmm, makes you wonder what other
hard-to-believe headlines we might see someday ... "Lou Holtz Predicts
Blowout Win Against 1-AA Cupcake" ... "Pete Rose Signs Autographs For
Free" ... "Shaq Sinks Game-Winning Free Throws" ... "Red
Sox Win World Series Game 7".
Whoops, sorry, I got carried away there.
The
WNBA's Washington Mystics ... (202) 661-5050 ... are now offering their players
50 bucks each time they say the team's (202) 661-5050 ticket sales phone number
while they're being interviewed. (202)
661-5050 ... The only catch to the deal ... (202) 661-5050 ... is that the phone
number must appear in print or ... (202) 661-5050 ... be heard on the tube or
... (202) 661-5050 ... on the radio. We
got ... (202) 661-5050 ... next.
Jason
Williams, last seen clanking the Dookies season against the Hoosiers, announced
last week he's changing his name to Jay Williams from now on. There's no mystery here ... Clearly,
"You Can Call Me" Jay doesn't wanna be confused with ex-Net Jayson
Williams who's probably ridden in his last chauffeured limo. And he doesn't want to get mixed up with
White Chocolate down in Memphis either.
Yeah, I know Jay didn't ask me but I woulda chosen a much better name
... Lew Alcindor.
And just
when you think the NBA can't get any stranger, here are the Exit 16-W Nets
upset that Jason "Jason" Kidd missed out on the MVP award to Tim
Duncan. Yes, it is true that Kidd led
the Nets to 52 wins and the Eastern Conference top seed and now has his pals on
the brink of uncharted offs territory.
But San Antone won 58 games and I guarantee you Mr Duncan was hugely
responsible for each and every one of them.
Besides it's a bogus argument all around since Shaq Daddy is the Big Dog
to begin with.
Sigh ...
Just like Molly Jensen finally had to let go of Sam Wheat, so too we must bid
the late Charlotte Hornets farewell. Official
time of death was 1:00pm last Friday afternoon when The Association owners
voted in unison to send Dem Bugs to Nawlins.
And even though the patient has been terminal for months, it was still
painful when they finally flatlined.
Damn, I'm gonna miss them.
This'll be the first time in my life I won't have a hometown NBA team to
pull for. But I'll tell you this ... I
won't miss co-owners George Shinn and Ray Wooldridge. Not no way, not no how.
Believe me, Charlotte is much better off without those two buttheads ...
In all
seriousness, you hafta look at all their screwups and hosejobs to truly
appreciate what it takes to drive a professional basketball team from the state
of North Carolina straight into the dirt.
First, you give Larry Johnson an $84,000,000 contract when Alonzo
Mourning is clearly your best player.
By the way, the other owners were just thrilled beyond belief when you
inked that whopper. Then you send Zo
packing to Miami. Then you stiff all
your other decent players. And then you
chime in with the poor poor pitiful me chorus for your wallet ...
Then a
Honey Bee claims you forced her to fellate you but you, a born again thumper
extraordinaire, insist she begged you to do it ... On Court TV no less. And let's not forget the poor girl's husband
who put a bullet in his head cause he couldn't take the shame. That was on the news too. Then you actually blow off Michael Jordan's
offer to buy a slice of the team and instead you sell a piece to an Atlanta
mobile home builder instead. And then
you move to SoFlo and leave him to bitch about your wallet for you. Of course, in no time it's crystal clear
that every time he opens his yap, his claymation nose gets longer and longer
...
Meanwhile,
somewhere in all this, you give Derrick Coleman a $44,000,000 invitation to be
the team's official designated turd in the punchbowl. Followed by still more wallet whining. Then you play the cheap ho trying to beg Memphis and then Norfolk
and then Louisville and finally New Orleans to show you the money. And all the while you keep saying we're the
problem. Well, George, old buddy, you
can kiss our grits. They're all yours,
Nawlins. Be afraid, be very afraid.
Um, not
that I have strong feelings on this or anything.
And in
other News Of The Whine, Junior Mint and The Answer both popped off in public
last week. Griffey's been miserable
ever since he bolted Seattle for Cincy.
If not his popped hammy or wrecked knee, then he's had to sit and watch
the M's win like about 800 games in a row without him. Meanwhile, Iverson and Larry "On The
Road Again" Brown were playing the feud over practice time or lack
thereof. You know, you'd think that
mogambo stacks of coin and superduperstar status would be enough to convince
today's jock to at least try to act like a pro. Probably not enough practice at that either.
And in
baseball news, Bud Light's office is a bit steamed at the Colorado Rockies
cause for the last three weeks the team has been storing their baseballs in a
special humidor designed to keep them from drying out. The idea here is to make it easier for
pitchers to grip the ball and harder for hitters to tattoo it in the mountain
air. And guess what ??? That's exactly what's happened so far as
Coors Field runs and hits are both down significantly. Wow, tampering with the equipment to affect
the way some but not all games are played.
Yeah, I feel so much better now about the integrity of the game. Thanks, guys.
Rest in
peace, Dan Devine. Columbia Pictures
said to say thanks for putting Rudy in on that last play, coach. And you too, Seattle Slew, rest easy. Tell Secretariat and Affirmed we said
"Hey."
See ya
nexted week ...
Robert E Hunt Jr
Copyright ã 2002 by Robert E Hunt Jr. All rights reserved.