Monday, 8-Apr-2002
Spurious
thoughts and idle musings from the sports week just past ...
Ain't no
flies on the Turtles as Maryland finally wore out the Indiana Jimmy Chitwoods
and then cut down Hotlanta's Final Four nets last Monday night. First ever national hoops champeenship for
the Terps not to mention the first ACC titlist from outside Andy Griffith's
favorite state. Sad to say, this Dance
was not an all-timer with only a handful of early round games bound for
scrapbook glory and a pretty lame finale but somehow I doubt Terrapin Station
is complaining.
Dear Bud
Light ... If you would care to gently remove your cranium from your
hindquarters, you might notice that last Sunday night ESPN chose to broadcast
the Injuns-Angels Opening Day game on The Deuce while saving The Mother Ship
for the women's national title tilt between Geno Aureola's UConn Lady Woofs and
whatever sweet cheeks they kicked.
That's right, Bud, your Pastime Formerly Known As National played second
fiddle to chick hoops. Keep up the good
work, Bud. Maybe next year they'll show
the East Waukegan Bowl Off Semi-Finals or maybe Best Of Sumo Follies instead.
How come
The Masters logo looks like a little kid's preschool drawing that you'd hang on
your fridge ??? Couldn't Augusta
National afford a real graphics designer ???
And if that misshapen yellow map of the US with the golf flag planted
somewhere near Georgia is the best they could do, doesn't that make you wonder
what other ideas they tossed aside ???
We won
!!! We won !!! Our school won the national title !!! Whee, let's go set our old furniture on
fire. Then we'll smash up some
storefront windows, steal lotsa cool stuff and then we'll flip some burning
cars over ... And then if we're really really lucky, we'll suck down searing
lungfuls of pepper spray and tear gas.
Yippee, please arrest us so we can have our mug shots taken and use
Daddy's Amex to post our bail bonds.
Yahoo, we won !!! We won
!!!
Mooresville,
NC, a small town just north of Charlotte but home to about 50 NASCAR race teams,
signed a deal last week allowing sponsors to donate new police cars complete
with ... Yep, you got it ... their official paint schemes, logos and driver
numbers. So now errant Mooresville
drivers will see blue lights on anything from Wonder Boy's Du Pont Rainbow
Warrior to Mark Martin's Little Blue Pill with the only taboos being companies
that push brew, smokes or guns. No word
yet on who gets to drive the Krispy Kreme car.
In other
baseball news ... The Barry jacked four taters in the Giants' first two games
which put him on pace for 324 home runs this season. But then Bonds slumped with only one more jack the rest of the
week so now the bum's on track for just a measly 135 dingers. Meanwhile, Pedro had a busy week ... First
he got rocked in the BoSox opener. Then
he hung out in the Blue Jays clubhouse during a Fenway rain delay. But then His Aceness stoned the hapless O's
on Sunday. All of which is now giving
the entire New England area a Tony Soprano panic attack.
The Zona
Snakes got their World Series rings in a pre-game ceremony last Tuesday night
... And later on when reporters asked 42-year-old reliever Mike Morgan why in
the world he ordered a size 14 ring when he only wears a size 11, Morgan
replied as only an ancient veteran of 12 different major league teams over 22
seasons could ... "More gold."
Unquote.
Speaking
of The Masters, get ready for this week's major plot thread ... They've added
285 yards to the legendary course by lengthening nine of the 18 holes. And with lots more trees, much tighter
fairways and bigger bunkers, El Tigre's 1997 record score of 18-under should be
safe for a long time to come. Now
instead of just hitting bombs and sinking gimmes, these guys are gonna hafta be
both long and deadly accurate all over again.
So tune in this weekend to see more frowns and grimaces than an Arthur
Andersen partners meeting.
Still
more horsehide notes ... Les Expos, our favorite Dead Team Walking, drew 34,000
fans to their final opener last week but then slipped back to their usual
morgue-like 4,000 the next night. It
was actually so quiet the stadium organist was asked to play during pitcher's
mound conferences to make sure the batter couldn't hear their discussions. Perhaps Montreal cabbie Claude Labelle said
it best ... "I don't care if the Expos leave. The only thing I'll miss is that baseball players tip better than
hockey players." Au revoir.
And the
Oscar for Best Actress In A Non-Supporting Role goes to Tawny Kitaen for her
kickass performance in "Stiletto High Heels Of Pain". Playing alongside her husband, Cleveland
Indians P Chuck "Not The Norris" Finley, Kitaen wowed 'em at the box
office with an arresting performance in the couple's car as they argued on their
way home from dinner last Monday night.
Tawny kicked Chuck in the leg and on the arm, twisted his ear and then
stomped on his gas foot with her spiked heel causing him to miss his scheduled
start while she cooled her jets for two nights in jail. Two thumbs up.
So many
other wild things went on last week ... Pain Webber insists he didn't get 280
large from a Michigan booster way back during his old "I'm leaving school
early cause I can't even afford a pizza." days. Be Like's knee is shredded wheat and so are The Wiz. The Miami Hurricanes saw their stolen
playbooks posted on the web. And the
high bid at auction for a piece of Bazooka bubble gum already most thoroughly
chewed by Zona slugger Luis Gonzalez is now at $75 and rising. You can't make this stuff up, folks.
And if I
ever get pulled over in Mooresville by the Hormel Spam police car, there's no
question I'll be spending the night in jail for unlawful giggling.
See ya
nexted week ...
Robert E Hunt Jr
Copyright ã 2002 by Robert E Hunt Jr. All rights reserved.