Monday, 25-Jun-2001
Spurious
thoughts and idle musings from the sports week just past ...
Okay,
last Sunday's final round at the US Open finished in an epic Tarheelian
chokefest as Stewart Cink, Mark Brooks and Retief Goosen each yipped on the
ungodly 18th green like they were Ed Cota with an open look. And yes, Goosen did win the hardware on
Monday after an 18-hole playoff round against Brooks. But I honestly don't get the full Monday thing at all ... Doesn't
that wreak havoc with hotels reservations and flight schedules ??? And I can't imagine the tube wants it either
unless of course Cash Spice is in it.
Cal,
honey, now that you're retiring from baseball, we need some new rules around
here. First off, sweetie, I am not the
clubhouse boy so please pick up your own smelly socks. Second, it's called "dinner", not
the "post-game spread", okay ???
Third, please stop calling your children "rookie" or
"bush leaguer" and please, for God's sake, stop telling them they're
gonna get sent down to Rochester if they don't behave. And finally, listen very carefully to me,
slugger, we are not ... repeat *not* ... gonna be breaking any
"consecutive games played" streaks in this house. Do I make myself clear, Mr Iron Man ???
C'mon
now, sing it with me ... Ev-ev-ev-ev-ery rose has its thorn. Just like ev-ev-ev-ev-ery night has its
daw-aw-aw-awn. Just like every Cowboy
is facing six months to two years and a $10,000 fine for felony cocaine
possession. Every rose has its
thorn. Or something like that.
Looks
like Rusty Mike Tyson needs to see Dr Melfi real quick before he's kitty litter
... In an interview with Maxim magazine, everybody's favorite standing eight
count says he likes to keep in fighting shape by actually sparring with his
four Bengal tigers. "I punch 'em
in the ballth and in the fathe. It's like punching a theement wall. They like it." Uhh, yeah, sure they do, Mike. Right this way, Mr Tyson. Yes, there is a lot of padding on these
walls, isn't there ???
And if
you're ever the mayor of a future Olympic city hopeful, here's how to
eighty-six your bid campaign in just one easy-to-follow lesson ... Toronto
mayor Mel "Am I Soup Yet?" Lastman said he didn't wanna travel to
Africa to stump his city's 2008 bid to an IOC committee cause ... and I quote
... "What the hell would I want to go to a place like Mombasa? I just see myself in a pot of boiling water
with all these natives dancing around me." Which now takes hizzoner out of the frying pan and into the
fire. Buh-bye, Mel.
So what's
up in MLB ??? John Rocker's got a new
locker. Barry Bonds is still making
tater tots out of every third or fourth pitch he sees. Also, after getting swept at home by the
Tomaflops, I believe it's fair to say those oh-so-lovable Mets have officially
jumped the shark. Meanwhile, the Hurt-less
ShySox are finally coming around although they've had to rob their Charlotte
AAA roster blind to do it. And SoFlo's
Other Fish just might finally have their mojo back. Hmm, frisky young talent on the cheap. What a concept.
Rest
easy, pooch fans ... Last week, Ireland's greyhound racing board of directors
officially banned Viagra after several reports of doctored doggies popped
up. Said John Garrahy, the board's
regulations manager ... "We do not know of any performance-enhancing
qualities that Viagra provides on the track but theoretically it
may." Well, maybe not on the track
but ... Oh, never mind.
Say it
ain't so, Joe ... According to somebody named Woody Thompson, creator of Nick
At Nite's new "Pop-Up Brady" show, when Broadway Joe Namath made his
epic 1973 guest appearance on The Brady Bunch, he and Florence "Here's The
Story Of A Horny Lady" Henderson had a most torrid backstage
romp-a-thon. Whew, looks like somebody
certainly had some Wessonality going on back then, wouldn't you say ??? And come to think of it, Robert Reed musta
been one confused dude watching that go down.
You know
for just plain Theater Of The Bizarre, I'm not sure I've ever seen anything
quite so odd as Beantown dahling Ray Bourque showing off Colorado's fresh new
Stanley Cup to his adoring Boston Broons fans.
Okay sure, it made some sense given Bourque's twentysomething Cupless
years in The Hub but no doubt Avs fans had to be watching SportsCenter
highlights that night wondering "Hey, Vern, how come there's clam chowdah
in our Cup ???"
And this
just in ... Shaq took the NBA trophy back to Orlando and exclaimed "Can
You Dig It?" to adoring Magic fans.
Next up, Kobe brings The Big Ball back to his many fans in Charlotte. You see what I mean ???
As
payback for helping the Air Force produce a knee injury rehab video, Olympic
gold medal skier Picabo Street asked for and got a free ride for an hour in an
F-16 last Tuesday in northern Utah.
USAF Capt Korey Amundson ... call sign "Beef", I kid you not
... flew all around the Great Salt Lake area breaking the sound barrier and
pulling 9 G's on his turns. And yes,
Picabo's pre-flight turkey sandwich played peek-a-boo all over her flight suit
but she got a pin and the call sign "Nueve" anyway. Sigh, I think I'm in love, dude.
Rest in
peace, Aww-chee.
See ya
nexted week ...
Robert E Hunt Jr
Copyright ã 2001 by Robert E Hunt Jr. All rights reserved.