Monday, 4-Jun-2001
Spurious
thoughts and idle musings from the sports week just past ...
Wanna
know what's the best part of seeing my beloved Phillies sweep three May
ballgames from the Mets ??? Nah, as
much I enjoy a tasty 12-game lead over the blue boys, that ain't it. And yes, watching the $93,000,000 Mets
squirm just a game ahead of the $1.99 Expos is sweet but that ain't it
either. No, the best part of watching
the Metropolitans do the flop is knowing that all Bobby Valentine has to look
forward to now is the All-Star Game. At
this rate, he could be booking a one-way to Safeco.
This just
in ... After all these years, Ray Bourque just might win his first Stanley Cup.
NBA
Finals are all set ... Sixers vs Lakers come Wednesday. Wow, this one could be a classic. Third time in four years. Magic and Doc, Moses and Kareem, Rambis and
Iavaroni, Billy C and Pat Riley, Spectrum and Forum. Oh wait, that's right ... It's a new millennium, a new NBA and
these two clubs barely know each other.
Still, there's plenty to like ... The best big man in the game against
the best little man. Chief Big Triangle
against The Traveling Salesman. Kobe
dunking on Dikembe. C'mon, let's get it
on.
Ain't no
flies on Sean Conley who correctly spelled "succedaneum" to win the
National Spelling Bee champeenship in Washington last Thursday. I love watching these kids especially the
ones who you know are gonna get killed on this word but they're pulling out all
the stops anyway ... Any alternate pronunciations ??? Language of origin ???
Can I hear it used in a sentence ???
Me, I'm waiting for that one devilish kid who knows he's meat so just
for kicks he asks the judge to spell it for him. Now that would be succedaneum.
The
pinheads at the International Skating Union decided last week to penalize
skaters who perform quote undignified unquote moves on the ice. Which means no more upside down splits or
backward spread eagles. Sigh ... Which
just about does it for me and the entire rest of the male demographic
audience. I mean, really, if you're
going to deduct style points then nail those cheesy Sgt Pepper outfits or zap
'em for too many teddy bears and flowers or something. But couldja leave the damn panty shots alone
please ???
Hey, did
you know that Ray Bourque hasn't won a Stanley Cup yet in his entire 20-year
NHL career ???
And the
award for Best Actor in a Men's Grand Slam Tennis Tournament goes to Pete
Sampras for his starring role in "Forget Paris", the gut-twisting
story of a superb speed court player who couldn't hit clay if he fell off the
truck. Man, that must really bite
knowing that Andre Agassi can win on any court in the world while you get wiped
in straight sets by some jebeep with a wine name like Galo Blanco. Not that having more coin than a Third World
country and being married to Bridget Wilson won't cure those blues.
More
baseball notes ... Barry Bonds is mashing so many taters that he's actually a
legitimate threat to ... Finally get some love from the fans. David Wells is pissing and moaning about
retiring if his $10,000,000 contract option isn't picked up. This year's Team Schizo is the Cubbies who
lost 8 in a row and then won 12 straight.
Ichiro and his Rising M's are an insane 43-12 while Manny Ramirez might
actually earn all $160,000,000 of his phat BoSox deal in one swing. Man, that dude is one scary amigo with the
stick.
Gee, I
sure hope Ray Bourque gets that Cup.
Such a nice guy and he's waited so long.
In case
the Cardinals are out of ideas for curing Rick Ankiel's chronic wildness
problems, here's the perfect recipe ... First, start calling him Meat. Then
have him spend long nights reading Walt Whitman poetry while wearing garter
belts. Then connect his nostrils to his
nads and teach him to breathe through his eyelids kinda like Fernando Valenzuela
and the lizards on the Galapagos Islands.
Finally, take away his guitar, check his shower shoes and give him some
good interview clichés. But just to be
safe tell the mascot to duck.
Mark
Cuban, easily my favorite NBA owner, announced a three-year deal last week with
a Dallas television station for his own hoops show starting next season. Yep, that's right, Mavs fans will soon have
the Cube Tube to watch. I sure hope
David Stern has a dish. And speaking of
dishes, my jaw dropped when I read that Mavs PG Steve Nash is currently dating
Hugh Grant's ex-squeeze deluxe Elizabeth Hurley. Wow, if there's a more interesting team in the Association right
now, I'd like to know who it is.
The NFL
is gently stirring as minicamps are popping up like summer dandelions ... Edge
James was a Colt no-show, Jerry Rice is begging Niner brass to let him sign
with another team first before they cut him, Jerry Jones is predicting 10 Poke
wins, Jimmy Smith's tummy ache is a complete mystery and the rest of the June 1
cuts are waiting nervously by the phone hoping it won't ring. Sure hope they finished their college
degrees cause it sure looks like they'll need them soon.
And so
The Supremes decided that disabled duffer Casey Martin can ride a golf cart
during PGA tournaments. This was
actually a tough call cause there is a certain expected level of fatigue that's
supposed to factor into a round of top shelf golf. Old schoolers will recall Ken Venturi's heatstroke problems
during a 36-hole US Open Sunday double round back in the Sixties. Then again, Martin ain't exactly the picture
of perfect health with his bum wheel.
Ah, what the hell, let him ride.
Like I've said before, think WWTD or What Would Tiger Do. If Cash Spice had the gimps, the tour suits
would be on their knees buffing the chrome on his cart's bumper.
Lotsa hot
air last week about the code of unwritten rules the game of baseball thrives on. You know what I mean ... Don't steal in a
blowout, don't pose your dingers, don't fall in the love that dare not speak
its name with the editor of Out magazine, that kinda stuff. But the biggest hoo-hah came after Padre C
Ben Davis dropped an 8th inning bunt to ... gasp ... ruin Snake charmer Curt
Schilling's perfect game. Gee, you'd
think the D-Backs would, you know, like field their positions that late in a
possible perfecto but maybe that's just code too.
Rest in
peace, Aunt Edna.
See ya
nexted week ...
Robert E Hunt Jr
Copyright ã 2001 by Robert E Hunt Jr. All rights reserved.