Monday, 14-May-2001
Spurious
thoughts and idle musings from the sports week just past ...
So when
is a record not a record ??? When it's a baseball record, I mean, a baseball
non-record, that is. Randy Johnson whiffed 20 Cincy Reds last Monday night in
nine innings of mound work. But even though Big Unit matched Roger Clemens and
Kerry Wood for most K's in nine innings, the stat geeks said no way since the
game itself took two more innings to finish. And so, according to the Lords of
Horsehide, it happened but it didn't happen. So now where the hell's Ford Frick
when we need another *.
And how
are the NBA offs coming along ??? Out
West in the main chamber, Shaq and Kobe broomed the hapless Kings while Tim
Duncan and his San Antone pals are up 3-1 on the Dallas Cubans. Shaq and Tim
next week should be sweet. In the East, both the Starbucks and Dem Bugs held
home serve at 2-2 while Vince and Allen Iverson are trading all-world
performances in the deadlocked Sixers-Raps series. And as long as Mitch
Williams stays the hell away from Toronto's Carter, the Sixers at least have a
shot.
Rosalie,
pick up, please. Yes, Governor Ventura,
how can I help you, sir ??? Rosalie,
who's my next appointment ??? Sir, you
have a 10 o'clock with the Dalai Lama.
He's here now and he's waiting to talk to you about your trade mission
to China, sir. Shall I send him in
??? Excuse me, sir ??? Uh, no, Governor, I have no idea if the
Dalai Lama has ever seen Caddyshack.
Why don't you ask him yourself ???
Uh, sir, that was a joke. No, I
don't think that's a good idea, sir.
Sir ??? Governor Ventura
??? Oh, God, no ...
More Shaq
news ... The Big Fibber got caught last week exaggerating his statistics, if
you will. In a radio interview, O'Neal
claimed to have had "three-second violations" with none other than
tennis star Venus Williams, supermodel Cindy Crawford and someone named
Aaliyah. All three ladies vehemently
denied ever having suited up with His Dieselness but, even so, you knew Fu was
full of it cause there's no way he'd ever survive a night with the Venus
Flytrap. All together now, let's hear
it ... Airrr balllll. Airrr
balllll. Airrr balllll.
Friends,
Romans, football fans, lend me your ears. I come to bury the XFL, not to praise
it. The really bad pig that men do lives after them while
the good pig is obviously somewhere else. So let it be with McMahon. The fool
Ebersol hath told you McMahon was ambitious. If it were so, it was a grievous
fault. And grievously hath McMahon punted. Here, under leave of Nielsen and the
male age 12-to-24 demographic. For Nielsen is an honorable man. So are they
all, all honorable men. Except for McMahon and Ebersol who are now out $35 mill
apiece.
Tuesday
night, Hornets at Bucks, late in Game 2, Derrick Coleman boo-boos his back and
heads straight for the locker room without a word to anyone. Tweet. Only four
players on the court. Technical foul, Hornets. Bad news is Jesus Shuttlesworth
sank the free free throw and his Starbucks went on to win by that lone point.
Okay, first off, that never shoulda been called cause after all, the zeebs let
Hickory play with just four guys after Coach Dale put Rabe on the bench cause
he shot too soon. But I digress ... Good news is DC ain't been back since and
Dem Bugs ain't lost since. Another ice pack, Derrick ???
Then on
Thursday night back here in Charlotte for Game 3, it was celeb city as Dale
"Little E" Earnhardt Jr was in attendance along with fellow NASCAR
hammer dropper Michael Waltrip. Courtside, of course. Close to the action where
you can really feel like you're in the game. Close enough to have a loose ball
come rolling through as Little E was two-fisting a pair of brewskis. Close
enough where the Budweiser twin 32 ouncers got airborne. Next time, E, wear
your Beer Restraint System for better suds safety, dude.
More NBA
kibbles and bits ... Magic Johnson was back in the ink last week saying he
wants to coach the Fail Blazers now that Mike Dunleavy got canned. A new hit
show called "Nanny and the Power Forward" debuted in Seattle as Ruben
Patterson assaulted his children's sitter and now faces attempted rape charges.
And finally, Sir Chuck let word slip that he's gonna move in with Be Like after
the offs are over so the two can work out together. Boy, betcha Mrs Air is just
thrilled to have another pair of smelly sneaks to pick up.
Lord
Stanley is still going and going and going ... We're down to four teams left
with the Pens and Debbils in a juicy East square off while the Lanche and Blues
tangle out west. Big news last week was the emergency spleenectomy Colorado
superstar Peter Forsberg underwent after getting hit during the Avs' Game 7
clincher over Hell Ay. Most puckheads figured the Lanche then had no chance but
after a 4-1 Game 1 thrashing over the Blues, it might be St Louis who'll
undergo the next Cupectomy.
I know
its way too early but the NL East just looks so sweet this morning. Even better than Cindy Crawford. Kinda sorta.
Philadelphia 22
14 ...
Tomaflops 17
21 6
Dead
Fish 16 20 6
Exposed 15
23 8
Die
Mets Die 14 23 8.5
See ya
nexted week ...
Robert E Hunt Jr
Copyright ã 2001 by Robert E Hunt Jr. All rights reserved.