Monday, 18-Sep-2000
Spurious
thoughts and idle musings from the sports week just past ...
At the
climax of last week's HBO "Real Sports" show, host Bryant Gumbel
smirked and then dropped this little factoid bomb ... The Sydney 2000 Olympic
Committee has issued 51 condoms to each and every male athlete at the
Games. Say it slowly ... Fifty.
One. Shall we go to the math ??? That's fifty-one raincoats divided by the 17
days the torch is lit, so to speak, which means the generous Committee made
plans for ... Good God ... a three poke-a-day habit per man. Wow, now that would be a truly Olympian
performance.
What's
new in college pig ??? South Carolina
is 3-0 and Penn State is 1-3 and don'tcha wish you woulda gotten odds on that
??? UCLA knocked off another No. 3. And two of my favorite games of each college
year are once again in the books ... I love Tennessee and Florida no matter
where it's played cause I never get tired of seeing either loser's season go
puff daddy. And, of course, there's the
annual ritual known as "Oh Yeah, That's Why We Wanted Florida State In The
ACC" ... Noles 63, Death Star 14.
Mmm, dee-lish.
Rumor has
it the Committee had a much more modest number in mind than three a day but
then someone reminded them the NBA Dream Team was back for another medal run.
Darryl,
could you drive down to the Piggly Wiggly for me ??? We need milk, eggs, diapers, bread and I gotta have ice cream,
Darryl. And it better be something
besides strawberry, if you know what's good for you. Now please, Darryl. No, I
don't care about your two-year house arrest punishment. Put the clicker down, get your damn ankle
bracelet thingy on and get your butt down to the store, Darryl. Geez, if I ever get my hands on that moron
judge who made this decision.
So I
guess, instead of Citius, Altius, Fortius ... which is Latin for Faster,
Higher, Stronger ... then the new Olympic motto is now Citius, Citius,
Citius. Sorry, couldn't resist.
The
aftershocks of Generalissimo Knight's ouster were still being felt last week
... First off, he threw Jeremy Schaap a bone and submitted to one of his
patented "Me Genius; You Moron" interviews. Knight's best line was his heartfelt admission that he wanted
"to coach again in the worst way" which I was pretty well convinced
he'd already done. Then he told a
student assembly to quit burning effigies and chanting death threats. Or, in other words, try shopping at Banana
Republic instead of turning Bloomington into one.
If you're
wondering why the Olympic jockettes weren't issued their own equal opportunity
stack of 51, I don't know for sure but I'm guessing the women's international
softball federation most likely told the Committee not to bother. Actually, my sister clued me in to chick
softball a long time ago. She said if
you ever see a headfirst slide worthy of a Pete Rose highlight film, then it's
definitely "don't ask, don't tell" time. Hey, just thought you might like to know.
Hello, Mr
Tyson, do you have your coat room claim check ??? Thank you, Mike, here you go.
No, we'll help you put it on, no problem, sir. Just turn around and put your arms through those white
sleeves. Yes, they are very long ones,
aren't they ??? No, Mr Tyson, I don't
know how those ropes got on the end but if you'll let the nice doctor man hand
them to me, we'll have you all ready in just a second, sir. Psst, Harris, call B-E-L-L-E-V-U-E and tell
them we're go. Okay, people, let's
move, we got a prune danish here.
One
hundred meel-yonn dollars. That's the
size of the fresh new endorsement uberstack NIKE just shoved across the table
at El Tigre. One. Zero. Zero. Comma.
Zero. Zero. Zero. Comma. Zero. Zero. Zero.
I wonder what Tiger wants to be when he's all grown up.
Man, I
woulda loved to be at the Committee meetings that finally decided on 51 per ...
Oui, Monsieur Henri, your objection is noted.
We are all well aware that three a day is tres insulting to France. Si, Signori Enrico, we realize no
self-respecting, not to mention hot-blooded, Italiano would be caught dead
wearing one. Sorry, Rajiv, there is no
instruction manual so the men from India will just have to figure them out on
their own. Nyet, Sergey, they're not
made by the capitalist pig dogs at Firestone.
They won't break like yours do.
NFL Week
3 notes ... J-E-T-S and Jints are both 3-0 together for the first time
ever. Ex-Raider and new Donc K Joe
Nedney told his old pals they could kiss his Janikowski. Rams were a 16-point favorite on the Niners
and covered. My Panthers
self-destructed on special teams more times than Rocky walked into Apollo
Creed's jab while the Bungles just might be the very first team in NFL history
to quit after a Week 1 bye. And if the
Bucs keep putting up thirtysomething, they'll be playing Supe 35 in a very
familiar place.
And so
the Early Spring Olympics are up and rolling ... Though I don't quite
understand why each city feels it must play leapfrog, Sydney's opening
ceremonies were admittedly spectacular with Cathy Freeman's torch finale a nice
touch. And now the competition is
underway and so far the "Must Weep TV" scoreboard shows the host
Aussies leading with 47 assorted wheelchair tragedies and chronic illnesses
followed by the Yanks with 33 different asthmatics, cancer comebacks and
accident survivors. Next up, little
flying girls. Get your hankies ready.
It's
really only a matter of time before the immortal Crash Davis is recognized as
one of the great philosophers of all time.
No, I'm not talking about his wet kisses speech to Annie or his great
list of timeless interview clichés. No,
instead I saw living proof last week that once again Crash was money. This time, the shower shoes. I mean, he's absolutely right ... If you win
20 in The Show, you can let the fungus grow back on your shower shoes and the
press will think you're colorful. And
David Wells needs just one more win.
Say, is
that a javelin in your pocket or are you just glad to see me ???
Rest in
peace, Mrs Samaranch.
See ya
nexted week ...
Robert E Hunt Jr
Copyright ã 2000 by Robert E Hunt Jr. All rights reserved.
To
subscribe to NetWits Magazine, go to
www.netwitsmagazine.com/subscribe/bobhunt.shtml